Gender Bender
by Schyzotypal X
Summary: "If there is anything more unnerving than seeing a female version of Izaya, Shizuo would definitely say it is seeing a female version of himself."-crack fic, oneshot-


**Gender Bender**

Izaya stands, speechless for the first time in his life. All he can do is stare, and stare, and stare, allowing his eyes to travel up and down the length of the body standing before him. It's his Shizzy-chan in every aspect. From the bartender outfit, to the deranged scowl, to the locks of golden blonde hair that flow down past her back.

Oh, well there is _that._

It's his Shizzy-chan, but at the same time it _isn't_. Izaya is pretty sure that the last time he had checked _his _particular rival was a male, and this is very clearly a woman. She looks at from behind blue sunglasses, raising one sculpted eyebrow. Her knuckles tighten around the stop sign she's holding. Tempered steal crunches beneath her fingers like the flimsy aluminum of a soda can. Her other hand removes a drooping cigarette from glossed lips. It drops to the ground and the smoldering remains are crushed into the ground by her black stiletto.

Izaya swallows. He never knew that Shizzy-chan could be so intimidating in heels.

A growl emanates from low in her throat, something all to reminiscent of his own Shizzy-chan. She raises the stop sign, eyes narrowing as they focus on Izaya. Her posture changes ever so slightly, a slight bend of the knees and curve of the spine.

The short pencil skirt she is wearing rides a little higher and Izaya finds himself all too willingly distracted by the detail.

It is only thanks to his well honed reflexes that he is not impaled by the stop sign that she hurls at him exactly 0.4 seconds later.

Izaya lands none to dignifiedly on his butt. When he looks up she is staring at him again, brow furrowed with anger as she scowls at him. The low rumble of a growl vibrates in her sizeable chest.

Izaya smirks. This is a Shizzy-chan he is all too familiar with. One he is _quite_ skilled at fighting and manipulating.

He grins, challenging her, before turning tale and running from the alley.

His smile only grows wider as he hears the clack of heels on concrete behind him.

* * *

Shizuo finds himself equally lost for words as he looks upon the female form of his long time enemy. The girl Izaya, Shizuo observes, wears disturbingly small amounts of black fabric over extremely long legs.

She catches him staring at her, mistaking his look of confusion for one of arousal, and smiles sharply. She winks, giggling in a way that is all to Izaya like but at the same time so very _not._

Shizuo frowns, unsure of how to respond. . Most definitely, this is _weird._

Usually there's some sort of vaguely _good_ connotation that comes with overly-friendly beautiful woman, and this girl is good looking by anyone's standards.

But at the same time she isn't because she is Izaya. Beneath all the hair and femininity there is still Izaya and Shizuo _hates_ Izaya. Still, he doesn't like punching girls, which is what Izaya is for the moment, a _girl._

Shizuo curses under his breath. Damn.

The girl Izaya walks forward, hips swaying, and brushes her fingers beneath Shizuo's chin. He shudders. All he can think about is the more familiar male version of Izaya doing this, and that's just _wrong._

Their little moment of sorts is interrupted as Izaya-the male one-runs past laughing manically. His footsteps are followed by a loud crash.

"IZAYAAAA!" A voice yells and Shizuo turns.

If there is anything more unnerving than seeing a female version of Izaya, Shizuo would definitely say it is seeing a female version of himself.

They both pause in what they are doing, nod at each other once, slowly.

Her eyes flicker to Izaya, the hot one, and she growls. Suddenly Shizuo's world order is reestablished, Izaya, no matter how female, will always be his worst enemy, as his own female self has just shown him.

There's a soft hiss and Shizuo feels pain blossom sharply across his the side of his face. It's a cut, razor thin and precise, just underneath the jut of his cheekbone. He turns, yelling curses to thin air.

Shizuo glimpses a flash of white and black turning the corner of the other alley exit.

There is a clack of heels and an angered female shriek as the girl version of himself pushes past him. She disappears, hot on the female Izaya's tail.

Shizuo looks after them for a long moment.

"Say Shizzy-chan, would you be nicer to me if I wore pants that short too?"

Shizuo looks back at Izaya. He is grinning madly, already making a tiny slit in his dark jeans with the tip of his blade.

Izaya in tiny shorts. Shizuo is appalled.

"Do that and I'll throw a bus at you."

Izaya stops mid-cut and shrugs, still smiling. "Whatever Shizzy-chan, only trying to make things a little bit nicer for you."

Shizuo snarls. "You could make things a WHOLE lot nicer for me if you went and died in a ditch somewhere."

"Whatever you say Shizzy-chan!" Izaya has already turned the corner before Shizuo starts chasing him.

* * *

Mikado is put off to say the least.

The girl in front of him stands nervously, looking anywhere but at him. The clutches at the strap of her school bag, wringing the thin strip of material between delicate hands.

Her name is Mikado Ryuugamine and she is just as unnerved by this as him.

It doesn't help either of them that Kida keeps on trying to use his lamest pick up lines on her.

"Excuse me fair lady, but it seems my phone is broken." Kida wiggles his orange phone between two fingers. "It doesn't have your number on it."

His smile is obnoxiously large and Mikado face palms.

Could this get any worse?

The girl Mikado stutters for a second, flushing red as Kida draws closer, smile still in place. "U-Um K-Kida-cha-kun I…"

She is interrupted by an unmistakably raucous voice. "Mika-chan! What a woman you are! Two boys? Without me! You're such a terrible friend!"

Everyone looks towards the door to see the girl. She smiles wide, flipping lock of unnaturally yellow hair over her shoulder. "Don't tell me you were going to have all the fun without me!"

The girl Mikado blushes. "K-Kida-chan…"

She is interrupted once again by Kida, the boy anyway.

He grabs Mikado pressing his face to his, still staring at the girl in the doorway.

"Mikado…I think I've found someone more sexy than the bustier version of yourself!"

Mikado realizes that he was wrong, terribly, horribly wrong. This IS worse. Much, much, MUCH worse.

Kida skips towards his doppelganger, eyes shining. "You're feet must be tired m'lady, after all, you've been running through my dreams all night."

She bats her eyelashes, charmed. "Well I hope you're not hurt. It must have been a long fall from heaven."

Mikado speaks up. "Kida-kun! You do realize that that's _you_ you're flirting with right!"

Kida looks back and grins. "I know! Isn't it _great?"_

Mikado grimaces_. "Ew."_

_**End. **_

_**

* * *

**_Aaaaaand this is what one too many turkey sandwiches can do to a person. Complete and utter crack.


End file.
